That kind of reaction has been with me all my life. It seems like I am really good at handling big huge catastrophes but let me watch a heartwarming commercial at Christmas time and I’m a puddle of tears. It is really no big surprise to anyone that I have no barometer on my emotional response meter. I can laugh at the most serious of moments and cry when I get good news.
In the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous on page 58 in the chapter How It Works it says that Alcoholics suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders. I believe this is true. I live it.
One of the many super powers of the Alcoholic mind is MAGNIFYING. My brain should be labeled with the warning from my rear view mirror, “Objects may be closer than they appear”. It is constantly getting me into trouble. If you tell me you like my shoes, I think you are in love with me, if you tell me I could do better, I think you hate me. My thinking is not only delusional when drinking and using but it down right makes shit up when it comes to my life and my relationships. I get unusually attached to places and routines. Whenever I move from a place I am living to another place I walk thru the rooms and say good bye each and every room. I get sad and linger in the thought I will never be here again. Even when I moved out of a crappy little studio apartment into a much nicer 2 bedroom 2 bath condo. It’s ridiculous really.
I drown in sentiment and linger in the nostalgic thoughts of the past, even if it’s made up. I conjure up memories of what could have been more than what was and I wallow in the “could of, should of, would of’s” of my life. This is self pity. I have a poor reaction to life. My emotional and mental capacities are faulty.
The program of recovery I have found in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is perfect for a person like me who makes shit up. Through working the 12 steps of recovery I am able to see what I am really made of and it gives me the ability to respond better to life’s circumstances.
Getting sober does not mean you change life but it does change your reaction to life. I am a firm believer that life is not so much what happens to you , but how you react to it. Without a solid answer I would fall victim to my unstable emotional responses and my poor reactions, aka anger, resentment, fear, worry, self pity all forms of self centeredness. Most likely brought on by me not getting my way or not getting what I want.
It is no mystery why I have self sabotaged so many opportunities and relationships in my life. I am notorious for being “a great starter and a poor finisher”. I have run my life on my emotions. Really bad idea. I was told early on that feelings aren’t fact’s and this is especially true of the Alcoholic mind. I make shit up. If I don’t feel well keep me away from Web MD, I will diagnose a headache as a brain tumor. You get my point.
A person like me does better relying on a power greater than themselves. A schedule that I can be consistent with. A schedule aka a program of prayer, action and helping others. My life goes much smoother when I stay out of the highs and low spots of my emotional state. It’s quit simple really, if I can just stay out of the way.
God Bless 🙂