I ran into a woman today. She was all dressed up for the holiday that is celebrated in her country and she was excited and happy. Within 30 minutes she was utterly distraught and announced her day was ruined.

What happened to create such a drastic change of attitude? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

She received some information regarding something that happened over the weekend. It didn’t happen today, it didn’t happen to her, nor does it have anything to do with her at all.
Codependency, like Alcoholism, is easier to see in someone else than it is to see in yourself.
Codependency is a sickness as destructive to someones life, health, wealth and well being as drugs and alcohol are. It may be worse, as the person suffering from Codependency is stone-cold sober.
What’s interesting to me is that the upsetting event she found out about didn’t even happen today, it was days ago and yet just hearing about it threw her into a tailspin. This news shouldn’t have been a surprise, several DUI’s, arrests, jail time, unpaid loans, this drama has been going on for some time, the latest escapade was just another negative consequence brought on by someone elses drinking.
When it’s not happening to you, you can see it very clearly. Nothing has really happened except she found out about it. If she wouldn’t have called to check on him she wouldn’t know and we would still be talking about the holiday in her country and what we were ordering for lunch.This is really a very important concept. Think about it, nothing really happened, nothing changed everything was exactly the way it was two hours ago when she was singing and smiling and getting ready for her day.
Her mind latched on to something that happened in the past, something she has no control over and let it take her for a ride. Before you knew it she was on the phone with this person and that person discussing the problem and what she needed to do to fix it. No one had asked her to fix anything. No one had even bothered to tell her about it until days later. And yet it immediately consumed her.
The drama, the worry, the frustration took over like a drug. Not only was she unable to work, help or participate in what we were trying to accomplish but she started piling on other problems. All of a sudden, EVERYTHING was wrong. Things that were to happen in the future became catastrophes, things that hadn’t even happened yet.
I tried to help her, comfort her, speak to her and try to stop the tornado of disaster that was starting to form. It was impossible. She wouldn’t quit talking, worrying, projecting… she was inconsolable. It was terrible to witness and happened in moments. I was exhausted just watching and listening to her.
I began to think about myself and my own reactions. Am I reacting to things that don’t need a reaction? Am I reacting just to change the way I feel or to feel needed or important? Am I just making shit up to worry about? Reacting to everything like it was my obligation, my responsibility even though it was really none of my business.
I have a friend who introduced me to an astounding concept several years ago. We were standing together in the middle of a street fair. It was very busy and we were in the middle of the street between all of the vendor booths and street musicians. It was a beautiful night and the street was packed with people enjoying the evening. He stopped me right in my tracks, right in the flow of foot traffic and said “Karen, look around, see all of these people? All of these people would be here walking, talking and laughing even if you weren’t here.” “There is a whole world going on around you that has nothing to do with you, you are the observer.” It struck me odd for a moment, how silly, I knew that. But then he said “If you were dead right now, all of this would still be happening. The world does not revolve around you nor does it need your help”.
Shocking! That hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized at that moment that on some level I thought everything was about me and needed my help, input, assistance, approval, and acknowledgment. Truth is, it doesn’t. Everything is just fine without my interference, I was put on the Earth to observe, enjoy and add to the stream of life. Not fix it.
Sheer freedom. When I can live in this space I am free. I have no expectations, demands or fear. If I can be in that moment than I am living in acceptance and peace, a space of no reaction. Before my friend told me about playing dead, flying had always been uncomfortable for me. On a flight to Canada, the pilot announced that we were in for a bumpy ride. Fear immediately gripped me. And then I remembered that this flight would be happening even if I wasn’t on it. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen with or without me on it. It helped me detach from the entire drama of it and I was able to observe the flight and accept what was happening.
It also sets me free regarding people, places and things. I am not the director of the show. The show is fine. People need to have their own experience, good and bad. I can not live my life reacting to things that have already happened or things that haven’t happened. I need to stay in the moment enjoy the show and learn from the experience. I need to love people where they are at, not where I think they should be. I need to see where I can add to the experience of life, not be worried about what I am getting from it.
READ The Essentials of RecoveryEasier said than done.